Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Randomize
