Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
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