remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
