she woke up with a sticky ear
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize