woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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