Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
