I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
