Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
you win again, gameday.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
