I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Randomize
