we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
