He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
