You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
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