You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
