I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
