my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Randomize
