I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Randomize
