How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
