I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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