let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Randomize
