I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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