Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
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