so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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