On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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