first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
