Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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