im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
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