At least make sure they are 18
Why
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Randomize
