dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Randomize
