It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
