walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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