I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I just gift wrapped bread.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
