at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Randomize
