Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
