Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
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