I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
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