shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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