I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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