Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
