I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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