I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
