dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
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