3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
