What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
