dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
