Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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