11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
they say Disney World is the happiest place on Earth. It's a close second to the Super 8 on route 18. That place holds some great memories.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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