wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
