I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
and eventually we just all took our pants off
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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