I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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