I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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