I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
