my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Randomize
