I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize