My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
