True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Also, beer. Big fan.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I have already put on my inside pants.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
