You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Randomize
