She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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