Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
