i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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