my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
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