my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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